Keegs

They definitely don't market to 25 year olds...I'm finally free!

I turned 25 recently.  Last birthday, I did a round up of the previous year, and I’m happy to say that I was in many ways more successful as a 24 year old.

I’m up one cellular phone (found one that I lost the prior year), same amount of mousse, 1 Twilight ending, 2 jobs, and undetermined bottles of peppermint schnapps.  I haven’t left the country.  I had 2 teeth cleanings, 1 physical and 2 of the 3 doses of Guardasil before I lost my insurance.   (I guess I’ll be the One More.)  I experienced a salary increase of 36% and a subsequent 58% decrease when I became a victim of the economy.  Luckily, I remained cracker-jack with percentages and fractions. 

I’ve lived in 3 cities and 2 states.  I’ve seen more episodes of Ellen’s talk show and been to more blackout brunches than any other year.  Subsequently, I’ve had some pretty weird booze-fueled dreams about Ellen during afternoon naps.  I was mistaken for a man once, which hasn’t happened since junior high.  Now I rarely wear pants. 

Still no plans for retirement, but I’m thinking of sending some old earrings and Catholic knickknacks to those CASH FOR GOLD people. 

Thanks for all of the support throughout the year.  It is a great comfort that my words reach nearly a dozen people from all corners of the state of Massachusetts.  If you’re reading this, I probably love you.  I’m just too shy to say it to your face. 

25 Extremely Important Life Nuggets (The Conclusion)

14. When seated next to a man within a decade of your age on the bus, treat it like a first date
15. Always have sex on the first date
16. If you have a younger brother, I have hit on him with varying levels of success.  I apologize.  This goes double for Tess. (Big family.)
Is being a cougar just about the age of the cougar or the age difference?  If a highschooler takes a baby to prom, are they a cougar?
17. "Prosciutto is a sometimes food." - My Heart
18. I haven't put any money into an IRA or a 401K because I crunched the numbers, and I get way better returns if I have three sons and turn them into the next Hanson or Jonas Brothers.  Why play the stock market when you have a functioning uterus?
19.  I'm pretty sure "spring fever" is just a nicer way to phrase the fact that girls get sluttier when the weather forces them to shave their legs.
20. Since I started this a few months ago, I got into twitter.  These would make pretty good tweets, but potential employers/dinner dates are more likely to find me on there.  And I can't risk any possible jobs or hamburgers.
21. Follow me on twitter at @keegslouise.  It's supposed to be like "Jeez Louise!" which is what I yelled the day before when I narrowly avoided being hit by a truck.  I'm moved to curse when describing a decent episode of Samantha Who? but when faced with death, I respond like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill.
22. I woke up after a night of boozing to find I had put on a second pair or underpants.  I am really the least slutty person in the world.  I'm pretty sure doubling up your underwear is the equivalent of a medieval chastity belt.
23. I feel like Kristin and I should wear buttons that say "ASK ME ABOUT THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW HAMPSHIRE!"
24. I'm not too proud to pay for candy bars with nickels from a paper cup.  No, I wasn't at a casino when this happened.
25. Whenever I drink a diet soda, I add it to the "tumor bank."  It's really morbid and has ruined some otherwise delightful beverages.

No one believed I'd make it to 25.  This is a very clever thing to say because I've both lived to 25 and completed 25 useless one liners for my thinly-read blog.