A lot of people have tagged me on Facebook to tell 25 random things about myself. I can’t imagine coming up with 25 facts about me that won’t foray into questionable hygiene practices or sexual defeats, so I’ve decided to compile 25 nonsensical facts/pieces of advice. Even I find nonsense more appealing than Jenna, and I’m a card-carrying narcissist and a Who’s Who: Unapologetic Egomaniacs.
1.
I always tell the girls never wear
pigtails. It attracts the wrong kind of
man.
2.
If you liked it, then you should’ve pinned a
broach on it.
3.
At Christmas time, all the colored lights make
the whole world look like a dive bar.
Drink accordingly.
4.
When you get to the fourth item of a list about
yourself and realize you cannot think another thought that doesn’t involve
yo’self, the tongue-in-cheek intro you wrote about being a narcissist is
probably pretty self-aware. Give it up
and get personal.
5.
We have enough words.
6.
It is healthy and normal to be sexually attracted
to whoever hands you the Metro.
7.
Without me, it’s just the ‘Tro.
8.
Sarah, Plain & Tall would’ve probably made
it through a couple rounds on America’s Next Top Model.
9.
Aspartame doesn't get less dangerous in the
afternoon sun. Crack a DC in the AM.
10.
We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking
at the top shelf liquor.
11.
Forget James, Ladies Love Cool Ranch Doritos
12.
When locked in disagreement with friends over
where to go to dinner or what television program to watch, write each option on
a tiny piece of paper, insert in balloon* and inflate. Toss balloons
skyward, batting around a bit for fun. When done, grab one at random.
This becomes the "decision balloon" and the decree entombed in its
latex walls, law.
Added bonus: the loss of oxygen from blowing up
balloons lends itself to speedy dispute resolution.
*balloons must be the same color to prevent cheating. Red and green can
be used together if all parties suffer from protanopia.
Note: Also effective for exploring new sexual positions and divvying up
household chores.
13 ipooponrape.tumblr.com Trust me.
Nuggets 14 - 25 to be continued...
Recent Comments